So you are having number three...
When I watch a young mum I know, struggling with a toddler, whilst reacting with love to an even younger child who cries out for her, I honestly don’t know how she is doing it. It’s past 4 and she says “ do you mind if you watch the kids for a sec- I just need to grab some lunch.” Wow. Was it like that for me? Is that why I just ate peanut butter sandwiches all the time, because I was too tired to think or make anything else?
I think we have all been impacted in some way by the challenges of the past few years.I’m not even going to mention the c word. It’s banned in our house. That time we would all rather forget, when even the most basic of human connection was demonised as bad. Don’t touch, don’t get close, don’t even breathe.
How do mums cope with that on top of loving little people in their care.
Research tells us that children can thrive with just a little bit of the basics; food, water, sleep, and some love and attention. They only require one person to be there for them. Just one.
The likes of Donald Winnicott, paediatrician and psychoanalyst, and child development expert, spoke in the 1960s about the “good enough mother” who did just enough, so that their child could grow and develop into what they would one day become(1). Same same if it’s Dad in the caring role, or grandma, or grandpa or....
That human development is going on in the little
ones, from the moment of conception. The cells divide and the baby expands in its size and abilities, and this pretty much is the case until they are standing at the fridge as a twenty something, saying “ I don’t know what I feel like eating”, as they proceed to Hoover up the contents of the same.
So what about the mum or dad, who are struggling to cope with a Brady bunch( you can DuckDuckGo that one), a newborn, while they juggle school, work,or the dreaded work from home, after school activities and then try and add in some lunch or exercise for themselves.
Dr John Bowlby, English psychiatrist and psychoanalyst, was the one who began to talk about the connection of mothers and babies as “attachment” (2). Mary Ainsworth expanded Bowlby's ideas on attachment, so that now we know it’s really vital that we give love and attention to little ones in those first precious years.
It is important- we can only do what we can- but every little bit of love and care you show to your child matters. And you’re doing an incredible job. You really are. You've got this!
We can’t do everything. Maybe we take a little bit from Bowlby, Winnicott and Ainsworth, and understand that we definitely can’t do it all, all the time. We have to choose what we want to give our time to, to manage as best we can, and reach out to others who are in the same space as you for ideas and support. But don’t ever doubt how important the work or parenting is- and that every moment loving your child is truly valuable.
We want to start a conversation- what are your best tips for parenting, managing the mess, and all the workload?
I will make a start.
For giving attention:
I loved to read to the kids. So I would have a stack of books, or book bag from the library with books to read when I sat down with lunch and a cuppa, maybe while I breast fed the youngest one, and enjoy some time to explore.
For the (dreaded) housework: ahem- it’s called work you know! ( doesn’t every mother deserve to have a housewife?)
I love to wash, so I do at least one load at night.
More if we had a baby, ( how can one so little use so many clothes!).
Put a load on before bed, then it is ready to hang out first thing in the morning, and will maybe dry by afternoon.
You've got this mumma!
What are your best tips?
Let’s share our wisdom and knowledge and lighten one another’s burdens.
Thanks for reading. 😊
Robyn.
17 /8/22
References:
1. http://squiggle-foundation.org/winnicott/biography/
2. https://positivepsychology.com/attachment-theory/
Baby is almost here:
Want to know the best survival tips for being a crazy busy mum or dad? Stay tuned for the next post..